Seamus's New Groove
by Jedi Goat
Summary: OotP. While on a sugar high, Seamus accidentally creates a new hairstyle, models for a trendy new line of clothing and defeats Voldemort. Will the rest of Hogwarts give in to the insaneness? Oh gnomes!


**Seamus's New Groove**

Jedi Goat

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Toy Story or Old Navy.

Author's Note: Yes, I know the characters all act very strangely in this story. I suspect the nargles are behind it. Also, I got the idea for this story from Seamus's hairdo in the fifth movie, and his cool Hogwarts logo sweater/jumper in the fourth movie (watch for it in the task scenes!). I want one!

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It was a peaceful day at Hogwarts. As it was a weekend, the hallways were all but deserted that morning. All the students were asleep. All, but one…

Up in Gryffindor tower, one fifth-year student was rummaging through his trunk by the light of his wand.

"Oh, no," cried Seamus Finnigan in horror, forgetting for a moment that the rest of the dormitory was still asleep. "I'm all out of clothes! I must go SHOPPING!" Seamus secretly liked shopping. But he always pretended that he hated the mere mention of it, like the rest of the boys did.

"What?" said Ron Weasley sleepily.

Seamus paced the room, thinking. "I know! It's a Hogsmede weekend! I can go and buy some new clothes!" Seamus rubbed his hands together and cackled evilly.

Harry Potter tore off his sheets and screamed, "AAAH!!!! IT'S VOLDEMORT!!!!!"

"WHERE!!!!!" answered Ron in a very girly voice, pulling his covers over his head and cowering.

"Lumos!" said a voice, and a light illuminated Seamus's face. "Oh, it's you," sighed Dean Thomas, turning away. "Harry, Ron, it's just Seamus."

"Voldemort could be putting an Imperius curse on him!!" gasped Harry in horror, searching for his wand. "We must not let him leave!"

Seamus, who had been creeping toward the door in hopes of getting to Hogsmede early, suddenly found himself tackled to the ground by Ron.

"Take that!" Ron cried triumphantly, tossing a heavy blanket overtop of Seamus. Seamus thrashed and struggled to throw off the cover as the other boys gathered around him.

"Do you think we should tell a teacher?" whispered Dean.

But at that moment, Seamus had remembered his wand and attempted to levitate the blanket off of him. The spell went wrong, however, and burned a hole straight through the blanket. Seamus wormed out and fell onto the floor.

"Ew, it smells like burnt hair," commented Harry, holding his nose. It was true: Seamus's spell had not only burned the blanket, but his hair. All he had left was a spike of hair sticking up in the middle of his head. It looked a bit like a cone.

"Nice hair, Seamus," said Neville Longbottom, who had just woken up and was sitting up in bed, eyeing Seamus's cone head. "It's for show and tell day, isn't it? Oh dear, I don't have anything for show and tell!"

"It's not show and tell day, Neville," Harry tried to explain. But Neville had already hurried out of the room in search of something to bring, worried that Umbridge might expel him if he didn't have anything.

"I must go to Hogsmede," said Seamus, zombie-like. He stood up and headed for the door.

The other boys looked at one another.

"Let's follow him!" announced Ron, and they stampeded downstairs.

Unknown to the others, Seamus had been sleepwalking that night. He had gone down to the kitchens, somehow opened the portrait of the ticklish pear in his dreams, and eaten half a gallon of sugar (he had been dreaming about a place called 'Candy Land' filled with pretty prancing ponies, a gingerbread Hogwarts and black licorice Snapes.)

Now Seamus was halfway across the lawn to the gate. He barely noticed that he was still in his pajamas as he burst out of the grounds and onto the cobblestone street that was Hogsmede.

"Hogsmede, here I come!" he cried giddily, rushing down the street to the clothing store. Naturally, Hogsmede had an Old Navy.

The store wasn't open yet, at six o'clock in the morning. While he waited Seamus ran up and down the lane, screaming, "WHEEEEEE I'M HARRY POTTER!!!" at the top of his lungs.

On his 999th lap clouds converged in the sky, darkening the street. Seamus paid no notice until a man abruptly materialized in front of him.

"Hello!" smiled Seamus. "Are you going to open the store now?"

Lord Voldemort drew himself up to his full height. "What?"

"I've been waiting for you to open your store," Seamus explained patiently.

Many Death Eaters had just appeared behind Voldemort, ready for their super-surprise attack on Harry Potter (they'd heard Seamus screaming). They peered around their master, curious as to what was the hold-up.

"Uh, we're supposed to be attacking Harry Potter," whispered Lucius Malfoy to Voldemort. Voldemort, however, didn't seem to be paying attention, running one bony hand over his bald head.

"Uh, Mr. Dark Lord, sir?" asked Lucius nervously. Very cautiously he poked Voldemort.

"DO NOT POKE ME!" Voldemort exploded at once. "YOU KNOW I HATE BEING POKED! IT'S NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST OF THINGS I HATE, BEFORE HARRY POTTER AND CHEESE!"

"Sorry! Sorry!" cried Lucius, falling at Voldemort's feet. "Please have mercy, my Lord!"

Voldemort stared down at him coldly. "Very well, I will give you one last chance."

"Thank you! Thank you!" gasped Lucius.

Voldemort smiled icily and said, "I ask only a favor of you, Lucius."

"Anything! Anything!"

The Dark Lord turned and pointed at Seamus, who had been standing there the whole time, waiting for the store to open. "I want a haircut just like him."

The Death Eaters were flabbergasted.

"You- you do not want me to kill him?" demanded Lucius, sure he had heard wrong.

"Correct."

"You do not want me to torture him into insanity?"

"Correct."

"You want me to give you a haircut?" Lucius looked from the boy to Voldemort. "But, my Lord, you have no hair!"

"Then give me some!" Voldemort stamped his foot like a two-year old giving a tantrum. "I am the evilest, darkest, strongest, mostest powerful wizard! I will get what I want!"

"Y-yes, my Lord," stuttered Lucius.

"And while you're at it, all of you cut your hair, too! I want people to know we're a group!"

Lucius began to cry. "No! Please! Not my lovely hair!"

"CUT IT!" screamed Voldemort in a girly voice. The Death Eaters, quaking in fear, cut their hair. Now they all looked like Seamus, as if they had all just accidentally burned off most of their hair.

"Now," said Voldemort, savoring the moment, "cut my hair."

Lucius pointed his wand at Voldemort, covering his eyes at the last moment. Barely audible, he muttered the hair-cutting spell.

BOOM!

There was a gigantic explosion as Voldemort blew up. All of the Death Eaters gasped in horror, and then they were obscured by smoke.

Seamus coughed and tried to wave away the smoke. Slowly, it cleared. In its place were all of the Death Eaters, but they had been transformed into garden gnomes!

"You saved us!" shouted one of the gnomes in a squeaky voice, rushing to hug Lucius the gnome. As the gnomes huggled together in the street, Seamus walked over to Old Navy's door.

"Why can't you open!" he wailed, pulling on the doorknob. All the gnomes stopped to watch him. Then Bellatrix-gnome whispered to the others.

The crowd of gnomes gathered around Seamus. "You helped us!" squeaked one of them. "You see, we really were gnomes all along. That evil Voldy-thing changed us into humans to do his bidding!"

"In return we will help you!" squealed Bellatrix happily. The gnomes all nodded, then backed up. Seamus opened his mouth to ask them what they were doing when suddenly all the gnomes charged. He dived out of the way just in time as the gnomes smashed into the door. The door caved in under the pressure of their potato-shaped sledgehammer heads. The gnomes looked around the store eagerly.

"Yay!" cried Seamus, "You opened the store!" He skipped inside and began trying on clothes.

Each time he came out of the change room in a different outfit, the gnomes began to cheer enthusiastically. Then Bellatrix came up with a brilliant idea: "You should be a model of Hogwarts fashions! We'll call it Gnome Style!"

"We'll be your agents!" declared Crabbe-gnome and Goyle-gnome.

"Cool!" grinned Seamus.

The gnomes somehow got hold of camera equipment and began taking pictures of him in his new clothes. Bellatrix was bouncing up and down in excitement, telling him to turn this way and that.

Finally they were done the photo shoot, and Seamus left money on the counter for the clothes he was taking. Then he and the gnomes went outside, where Hogwarts students were already walking. It was now mid-morning and most of the shops were open.

"I want candy," said Seamus, whose sugar rush was running out.

"Yes, yes, that is a brilliant idea!" squeaked Bellatrix. "We'll give out candy and posters!"

People stared as Seamus and his gnomes entered Honeydukes. Seamus started eating sugar again while the gnomes bought Honeydukes out of Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Beans.

Meanwhile, Harry, Ron and Dean had just arrived in Hogsmede (they were not as good at running as the sugar-high Seamus was). At that moment a gnome hurried up to them, tossing jelly beans into the air.

"Gnome Style!" the gnome shouted excitedly, in what sounded suspiciously like Lucius Malfoy's voice. "Here, have a flyer."

The boys took the poster the gnome handed them and stared at it.

"Isn't that Seamus?" gasped Ron in shock.

"That is a nice jumper," observed Harry, pointing to the Hogwarts jumper Seamus was wearing in the picture. "Wonder where we can get one?"

Dean grabbed them both by the arm. "Come on, we have to find Seamus!"

At that moment, Seamus passed by with a crowd of gnomes. Fred and George Weasley were following them.

"There!" Dean dragged Harry and Ron after the group.

"The jumper is mine! MINE!" screeched Harry, clawing at Dean. "You can't have it!"

"Hi, Ron," said Fred as they caught up with him.

"We're trying to get these gnomes to get our gnomes to join their work force," explained George.

"Say what?" said Ron, who was trying to pry Harry off of Dean's arm.

"Hey, what's wrong with Harry?" wondered Fred.

"GIVE ME THE JUMPER!!!" Harry screamed in response.

"Harry Potter!" chorused the gnomes, stopping in their tracks to stare at him.

One gnome crept forward and poked Harry. "I can POKE him!" cried Lucius-gnome happily.

"OohOOHooh," went the other gnomes, in an imitation of the aliens on Toy Story.

Then all the gnomes turned and looked up at the other humans. "Who are you?" they demanded together.

Fred pointed to himself. "I'm Fred Weasley."

"Fred Weasley," whispered all the gnomes in awe. "OohOOHooh."

"Okay, this is just kinda creepy," said Dean.

"I'm George Weasley," said George.

"Fred Weasley," all the gnomes repeated. "OohOOHooh."

"No, I'm George," said George, getting frustrated. "Honestly, can't you tell I'm George?"

"JUMPER!" screamed Harry.

"Fred Weasley," all the gnomes said yet again.

"ALL RIGHT, STOP IT!!!!" yelled George, before they could continue. "I'M SO SICK OF YOU PEOPLE IGNORING ME!! I'M A PERSON, TOO, YOU KNOW, AND I HAVE FEELINGS!!!"

At the same time, Harry screamed, "GIVE ME MY JUMPER!! IT'S MINE! MINE!"

The screaming match brought Umbridge running (she and her Inquisitorial Squad were supervision the Hogsmede visit).

"What is going on here?" she demanded, but no one could hear her over the "MINE! MINE! I SQUISH YOU NOW!", "I AM NOT FRED, FOR THE LAST TIME!" and the "OohOOHooh".

Seamus decided to add to the racket. "HEY, GUESS WHAT? VOLDEMORT BLEW UP!"

Harry stopped screaming very suddenly to stare at him. Even the gnomes stopped 'ooh'ing to watch.

"You-you defeated Voldemort," whispered Harry in shock (because his throat hurt).

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," said Seamus.

All was silent as people (and gnomes) stared at him in a new light, except for George, who continued screaming.

"HOW ABOUT I TAKE MY EAR OFF? HOW ABOUT THAT? HUH? THEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL US APART!"

"SHUT UP!" Umbridge shouted at him. "We're listening to Seamus here!"

But just then Harry tore free from Dean and Ron, screaming, "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT VOLDEMORT!!! I WAS!!" He leapt at Seamus's throat.

"Harry, no!" cried Ron.

"Hi guys!" Neville announced, running up to them looking immensely pleased. "Look what I brought for show-and-tell!" He held up a plant in a pot. However, at that moment Harry knocked into him and the plant went flying.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Neville.

"OohOOHooh," went the gnomes, watching as the plant fell in slow-motion. Neville lunged but missed.

Thud!

George stopped screaming his head off and looked down in surprise at the plant he was holding.

"George Weasley!" chorused the gnomes, jumping up and down. "George Weasley! George Weasley!"

And all the gnomes ran toward him.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" George screamed, dropping the plant. It cracked on Umbridge's head and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

"FRED! HELP ME!" cried George as he ran down the street, pursued by all the gnomes.

"Gotta go," said Fred, waving to the group of people. Then with a CRACK he apparated down the street.

Now Ron and Dean remembered Seamus. They looked down to see Harry attempting to strangle him.

"Harry, stop!" said Ron, grabbing Harry's arm. Dean caught Harry's other arm and together they dragged him away. Harry was holding Seamus's Hogwarts jumper.

"My jumper," Harry crooned softly, stroking it. He didn't seem to notice the others around him.

"Uhhh, right," said Ron, looking helplessly at Dean. He shrugged back.

"Noo," moaned Neville, clutching the broken plant pot to his chest.

"Hello," said an airy voice. Ron and Dean looked up to see Luna Lovegood standing there.

"Uh, hi," said Ron uncertainly.

"What happened here?" she wondered lightly, looking around in mild surprise.

"I'm not even sure," sighed Ron.

"I want candy," murmured Seamus.

"Oh," said Luna, nodding. "I thought so."

"You thought what?" asked Dean.

"Well, the nargles were planning to strike today. They always leave a trail of destruction like this behind." She nodded knowledgeably. "But don't worry, the effects should go away after a few hours."

Luna skipped away, leaving Ron and Dean just as confused before.

"Must be the solution to everything," mused Ron. "'The nargles were behind it'."

The End

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